I guess you could say so. The single life is all i know, i am good at it. I can understand it. Being alone forever does not scare me.
But being with someone, not satisfying them, not being treated right, being left behind, being hurt, and the embarrassment of me not knowing what the hell i am doing, loosing myself in the relationship scares the shit out of me.
I simply am not willing and able to play the game of love.
it will be a game i will for sure loose.
Ugh! I am so done right now! Firstly with school. I am so stressed right now! I don’t know where to go or how to get it all done! There is just too much for my to handle. I still need to do my cubism painting, clay portrait, super hero drawing, the past three photo assignments printed, and then i have colour journals(6), sketchbook assignments(2), and all sorts of fixer-upers(6) to do before i can even think of putting together my portfolios. Thats a total of, 19 assignments. Then after getting them all done i have to document them all and then put them in my portfolio. And i have to do all this by portfolio week by 9AM Monday December 13th. That’s only around 2 weeks. To top that off, i am broke as fuck. Broke as broke can be. With christmas coming up i don’t know what to do but just make everyone something. But i can’t find the fucking time in with all this shit i got to do for school. Family, as much as i love them, is not helping. They are trying i know, and i appreciate the attempt but i am just so stressed i feel like i could hit anyone across the face. No matter who it was. My family is now also making me take care of paying my school payments, and i don’t know what i am doing. Plus my father keeps getting made at me for money situations. WTF am i supposed to do!? This is my first try at all this, i did not know how much i would need. I am sorry that even a fucking art graphic pencil is over a dollar each! ART IS EXPENSIVE AND DEMANDING! Don’t get me wrong i love it, it’s my life. I am just getting stressed about everything. On top of all this stress, i got drama. My ex bffl seems to think she has done nothing wrong and i have no reason to be mad at her. BULL FUCKING SHIT! I introduce you to your now girlfriend of however long, and she now hates me because i am ” a needy, lazy, and annoying” and my ex bffl agrees with her apparently. contributes with her girlfriend in putting me down and talking shit behind my back. I think i have a fucking good reason to be mad. So to my ex bffl and her girl friend you can both fuck right off. I don’t need any one of you. And then i am angry and sad because it is so cold, dark, miserable and lonely here. I miss home. I miss all my friends and everything else. I am so sad and lonely i am trying to find some sort of companionship here and am now fooling around with 3 different guys. I am doing things i would never do. WHO AM I!? WHO HAVE I BECOME!?
No matter what i am going to be tired, stressed, angry, sad, depressed, lonely, frustrated and disgusted with myself. At least until christmas break, or christmas is over. Because i really hope all this won’t last forever. I want to be happy and carefree again.
There is my rant. If you have read it all, thanks for reading.
Thanks for somewhat caring.
ugh stress plus candy and junk is not helping my complexion. i am breaking out! need to fix this. no more candy. and facial here i come.
“I love more of less. reminds me of good deanna and jacs time!”- deanna
“I miss deanna and jacs time”- me
“So do i”- deanna
“It’s not fair. i want to see and hang with you all the time”- me
“So do i! It’s hard but i try and stay occupied so that i don’t think about it”- deanna
“awww deanna! i miss you so much, it’s not fair. Best friends should not be away from each other for so long”- me
“Like i legit don’t do anything anymore bc i did everything with u. i’m all lonerific now”- Deanna
“You need to try Deanna. Find people to hang out with. I am trying over here, you should too. Now of course they are no you, not home. But we can’t accept the loneliness because we are not together. But we will be best friends forever! and nothing will ever change that. Not distance or time or anything else life may through at us. besides i will see you this weekend.”- me
“Yes, i am so happy and excited i will get to see you :)”
I love her and miss her terribly. it hurts. every second of everyday.
Just did my sisters english homework. No big deal. LOL procrastinated on that too.
hope you enjoy my evil and depressing poetry my love. HAHA
so so OMG! hahaha i bet i sound like a freaking retard right now but im jsut so excited! im writing a letter for my dear friend david! cause i have no talked to him in a while. so i thought my awesome letter may cheer him up a bit.
but i LOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEEEEE writing letters. haha they always include a drawing by me, a picture of me and said person, stickers, confetti, whatever else i can think to fit in there and then a wonderfully writen letter in the persons fav colour pen. ^^
OMG my happiness is so overwhelming right now :P
So, just going to on a rant. The entire school is closed cause a London high school is having some sort of formal here. So no food places are open. Which means i can not eat. I was lucky enough to find a bag of popcorn, so thats my dinner. Wonderful, if i was not skinny and unhealthy enough.
yes, i am aware i have trust issues. I am aware that it may make me a bad person. but don’t give me this accepting life’s challenges crap. That “bad expeiriences arent a good reason to close off oppurtunity of any new ones”. I don’t care. Everyone has issues. accept mine.
